The Wallflowers - "One Headlight"

I've suffered from depression since I was ten years old. That's probably the hardest (and most frequent) confession I've ever made, in no small part because for years, my parents have been ignoring the signs, preferring to see me as a happy, bookish, really weird child. And I don't know how they missed the signs, because I feel like I've been screaming them out for so long. The happiest I've ever been was my sophomore year of high school. All told, I had about 18 months of pure, non-depressed life, and eleven years or so of chronic, acute, severe depression.

Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
Then they were lying.
Depression isn't an easy disease. And people who die from it, and people like me who aren't dead enough inside to succeed at dying of it, don't die easily. It's not something you wake up one morning and decide to do. It's something you agonize over, trying to find a sign that no, you shouldn't, or yes, you should, but I've never known anyone who attempted suicide who woke up the day they attempted it and thought "Today's the day. It's time to go." Most people draft and re-draft the note (if they leave one) many times before they leave their final draft.
What's more, it's not an easy disease to watch someone fight. You try, and try, and try, but what you do and who you are is never enough to keep someone here when they've given up. And when you're the one left behind, it leaves a hole in your heart that never quite heals, a break that doesn't ever fully mend.

There's got to be something better than in the middle
I've been looking for something better than the middle ground ever since I was fourteen years old. The middle is the worst place to be, because it's just like being stuck in the middle when your friends are fighting: the one in the middle gets kicked from both sides. And being stuck in the middle for a prolonged period of time makes any shift to either side seem radical, strange, and horrible. After enough time feeling bland and disconnected, any amount of connectedness is jarring, and makes me want to hide until the feeling goes away. Feeling any more disconnected than I already do makes me scramble for any kind of connection, good or bad, helpful or painful.

She ran until there's nothin' left, She hit the end-it's just her window ledge
The worst thing, though, is when you run out of energy to fight, and the only way out is permanent. I've been at the window ledge more times than I care to remember; the only thing that kept me on this side of the ledge has been the desperate grip on my arm, my wrist, my fingers by my best friend, because both of us agreed that if we jumped, we were going to jump together. Neither of us is willing to leave the other broken and empty without our other half.


You can see the video for this song here



So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

[Chorus:]
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end-it's just her window ledge

[chorus]

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death it must be killin' me

[chorus]

Matchbox 20 - "Push"

I've talked about Bridgette a lot on this blog; now I think it's time to talk about Shannon.
Shannon is... well, it's hard to really describe what Shannon is and was to me, because the story goes back to when I was about 12 or 13 years old, scared and confused and desperate for attention. And Shannon was 11 or 12, desperate for attention and for someone to love her, someone she could be more powerful than, I guess. And for whatever reason, she chose me.
I'm not sure I why I got the honor. I didn't know then, I still don't know now.

When I first came into contact with her (it's hard to say "when I first met her," because we've never met in person; she's from California, goes to Bryn Mawr in Pennsylvania, and I'm born, raised, and educated in Kentucky), it was through an online text-based role-playing group on the website Neopets.com. We role-played in Anne McCaffrey's world of Pern, as dragonriders and Holders and Crafters, and when I Impressed a gold dragonet, she decided that she needed to know me. I was shy in real life (online too, for that matter), and I was pretty excited that this girl who'd been around longer than I had, who wrote pretty well, wanted to get to know me. But I also didn't want her to know me too well, so I crafted some lies about myself and my family, and when she asked the relevant questions, I spun the required lies, and didn't feel bad about it until about two years in, when I finally came clean. (This was awkward, and involved a 3am email that was longer than most of my Songbook entries combined.)

Eventually, Shannon came to be one of my best friends, online or off.

And eventually, I came to realize that Shannon was no kind of friend at all.

The way I describe Shannon now, it's mingled with remembered fondness, irritation, exasperation, and--depending on my mood and the person I'm speaking with--rage. Because Shannon is truly the first and only person I've ever met in my entire life who suffers from both an inferiority and a superiority complex simultaneously. We drifted apart my junior year, due to my lack of time on the internet, her then-stepmother's bitchiness, my mental health issues, and her involvement in school. There were outside factors that meant that we couldn't be bosom buddies anymore. And when I wasn't there to always reassure her that she was good, and intelligent, and shit flowers and unicorns out of her ass, Shannon decided that I hated her, that I was trying to take her power from her (at this point, she was the leader of another online roleplaying group), trying to steal her friends, was avoiding her... basically, she was the Angelic Innocent Victim and I was the Devil's Own Bitch. And then, when there were people who were gossiping about me behind my back, insinuating things and trying to one-up each other in pettiness (because the group was cliquey to the extreme, and somehow, for the first and last time in my life, I'd ended up in the Inner Circle of the ruling clique), Shannon sided with them.

I'd never been so betrayed in my life. Because I'm glossing over a lot of things, a lot of hurts, and it's hard to describe this now without it seeming like the most childish thing in the world to be upset about in the first place, let alone three years after the fact. (I'll grant you that the latter is pretty childish; I'm an adult, I should be over this.) But what it came down to was, when I needed Shannon to defend me, to at least tell them not to say that shit behind my back, not only did she not defend me, she joined in.

To this day, she won't admit that she was at all in the wrong. I think that bothers me more than anything else, that she refuses to accept even the tiniest ounce of blame for the whole ordeal.

Anyway, this song reminds me of Shannon, the Bitch Queen of Valihi. The bitterness, the emotional content and maturity, everything about this song reminds me of what Shannon and I turned out to be.

You can see the video for "Push" here




She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's
Gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well

This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you
Around
You don't owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good

[chorus]

I wanna push you around, well I will, I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
Well I will

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is
Gonna hurt ya
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
Cuz it's a little bit dirty well

Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you
You don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all

[chorus]

Oh but don't bowl me over
Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so
Crazy, crazy
Don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby

[chorus]

The Fray - "How to Save a Life"

As a writer, I've found it helpful to have certain songs to listen to while I'm writing. For Midnight Rising, I have characters with playlists all their own, just songs that remind me of them when I've hit a rough patch and their voices are just whispers in my inner ear.
This song is one of Alika's favorites, but it's Silver's song. One day I was writing and this came on in my iTunes, and she popped up out of nowhere and said, "It's like he took everything about my interactions with Lance, every single bit of hope and frustration and exasperation and anger, and set it to piano." And it's true; this girl has had a hard life. She's got a hard road ahead of her, and the people who were supposed to be helping out have all bailed at one point or another, so that she doesn't know why she keeps going.
And let's be honest here. All of my characters are, at core, facets of me, whether it's not so obvious or whether you look at the character on the page and say, "Way to go, you've captured yourself really well here. But why'd you bother giving them a different name? It's you."
This song is... it's standing at the other end of depression, looking back and mourning the parts I couldn't save. It's smiling at a friend who's changed so much I barely recognize her. It's knowing that I'm losing, but not letting on that it hurts. It's bitter, and it's sad, and looking back and wondering why I didn't see it coming. It's being confused, because I never see it coming. It's burying myself in other things, because I couldn't do one important thing well. It's looking around and wondering why I'm not gone yet. It's wondering why everyone else is gone. It's putting in effort, effort that will never see any sort of return. It's looking at my mom and wondering why she just won't believe me. It's wondering when I'll ever let myself be in love, wondering how many opportunities I'm throwing away.
It's trying to save everyone around me. And letting myself down.



Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

Saving Jane - "Girl Next Door"

I’ve taken a lot of mocking for liking this song. My friend Rebekah spent thirty minutes lecturing me online about why this song was stupid and pointless and I should be ashamed of myself for liking it. And to Rebekah, her reasons for disliking the song are perfectly valid: it sends a horrible message to people (very true) and it doesn’t really promote any sense of aestheticism or even a sense of originality (potentially true, I’m a little biased).
But let’s face it: I don’t like this song for the message. Rebekah is perfectly correct: this song promotes the opposite of what I like about people. Instead of going out and changing whatever it is that she doesn’t like about herself, or realizing that she’s in the marching band because she likes the marching band, the singer just bitches about the backseat debutante. The song is whiny, really. There’s not really another way to describe it.

BUT.
This song is whiny. It is trite. It sends a horrible message to impressionable teenagers. All these things are true.
And I say again: BUT.
This song is honest. It makes no bones about the fact that the singer is jealous, and petty, and petulant. Teenagers? Are whiny. And jealous. And petty. (I fully support the theory that the lowest circle of Hell is one where you have to spend the rest of eternity as an unpopular teenage girl in a small Catholic school, because that’s the worst fate I can ever imagine reliving.)
So is this song. It’s targeted to teenaged girls, and frankly, I think it does a good job in the market. I have no idea what the statistics are for this song, what ranking Billboard gave it or anything like that, but I do know that I hear it a lot on the radio, and it’s the opening song for some reality show about teenage pageant queens.
There was a clique in my year in high school known as “The Eight”—Margaret, Maggie, Alicia, Emily, Kim, Sara, Becca, and Kate. I went to grade school and junior high with 5 of The Eight. Oh, how honored I was. I got to spend almost all of my childhood being surrounded by girls who were prettier, more popular, better dressed, and better liked than I was. Hoo rah.
And I was bitter. And angry. And I admittedly made up stupid reasons to be a member of the “Hate The Eight” faction. Margaret, Maggie, and the rest had never done anything particularly malicious to me that I can recall. There was the requisite cheating off of me on tests, but everyone with an opportunity cheated off of my science, social studies, English, and spelling tests. And if they weren’t too bright, they cheated off of my math exams as well. So it’s not as if I can single them out for any particular offense, especially not once we got to high school and The Eight was born. They left my clique of social rejects alone.
But we were social rejects, and at dances and parties, we never forgot that.
So I like this song. It’s HONEST, which is really all I’m looking for out of a song about a high school girl’s experiences with the popular crowd.



Small town homecoming queen
She's the star in this scene
There's no way to deny she's lovely
Perfect skin, perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside she's ugly
Maybe I'm just jealous
I can't help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her

She is the prom queen
I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader
I'm sitting in the stands
She gets the top bunk
I'm sleeping on the floor
She's Miss America and I'm just the girl next door

Senior class president
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutante
Everything that you want
Never to harsh or too demanding
Maybe I'll admit it
I'm a little bitter
Everybody loves her but I just wanna hit her

She is the prom queen
I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader
I'm sitting in the stands
She gets the top bunk
I'm sleeping on the floor
She's Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Oh and I'm just the girl next door

I don't know why I'm feeling sorry for myself
I spend all my time wishing that I was someone else

She is the prom queen
I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader
I'm sitting in the stands
I get a little bit
She gets a little more
She's Miss America
Yeah, she's Miss America
I'm just the girl next door...

Kristin Chenoweth & Idina Menzel: For Good

There's a sort of soundtrack to my life, really. Songs that have perfectly illustrated what I was feeling at any given point in my life. "Jumper," "Adam's Song," "Lean On Me," "I'll Stand By You," "Away in a Manger," and now this: "For Good."

The "Wicked" soundtrack was particularly popular in my dorm room; Callie burned the CD from someone in DSP, I burned it from her, we played it nonstop for like a month.

College brought on a lot of changes for me. It was the first time I'd ever been away from home and lived pretty much on my own; it was the first time I didn't have classes scheduled from 8:30 to 3, and the first time I'd spent any significant amount of time away from Ria in 4 years. It was also the first time I'd been able to spend any significant amount of time with Jay in two years.

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason
Ria and Jay are the two most influential friends I have. "Lean On Me" reminds me of both of them, because I always told them that they could lean on me if they needed it. And they became like my sisters, closer to me, at times, than my own blood.
Ria sat with me for an hour and a half as I poured out my anguish to the high school counselor, missing her first two periods while she held my hand and held me together. I wouldn't have made it through the last two years of high school without her intervention. She's one of my dearest friends, and though she has her bad points, I still wouldn't choose to not be friends with her. I've known her since I was less than a year old. Even though she's at WKU across the state, I still email her. Piano music reminds me forcibly of Ria (as I was reminded the other night while Callie practiced her piano), and when I think of the Beatles, I think of her.
Jay made life bearable. Without her, I wouldn't have survived this long at all; I'd have self destructed back in freshman year. And she feels the same for me. Things were once so bad that we elicited a pact from one another: neither of us is allowed to die until the other is ready to let her go. That's why it scared me so bad when she called school from the UK Medical Center to tell me the doctors thought that she had cancer. I'd already nearly lost my favorite cousin to cancer; the thought of losing Jay was (and still is) more than I could bear. I put "Skin" on my Windows Media Player nonstop for two months while I prayed and begged and tried to accept that there were things I couldn't protect her from, things which might steal her away long before either of us were ready to go.

And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for
The people who forgive me the most are Ria and Jay. The other halves of myself know that sometimes I hurt them, and I know that sometimes they hurt me, but we can work it out togethr like none of my other friends can. Even if we sort it out over instant messenger or email, I can't bear the thought of one mistake ending such important friendships. So I ask for (and receive, and give) forgiveness a lot, because we're a family to each other, and that's what families are supposed to do.

So much of me is made of what I learned from you
I learned to be strong and brave by Jay's example, while Ria taught me to forgive and have faith. Between the three of us, I believe there's nothing that's impossible. Without each of their influences, I wouldn't be who I am. There as much a part of me as my limbs, my intelligence, my sense of humor,... everything that's good about me has some of their influence. I believe in myself because they believe in me, and their faith is pretty unshakeable.

You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
Distance has separated us, but we'll never really be apart. Especially in this technological age, where email means that you can be in contact with another person instantly. That's my main way of communicating with Ria, but we always expressed ourselves better in writing.

And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend

(Elphaba) I'm limited
(Just look at me)
I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
(For both of us)
Now it's up to you...

(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda) Because I knew you
(Both) I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for
(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore

[Simultaneously]
(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda) And because I knew you...
(Elphaba) Because I knew you...
(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

Kansas - "Carry On My Wayward Son"

My sisters and I know this as one of the "boat songs." When we were younger, my dad bought a pontoon boat for the purpose of going and spending some time out at Green River or Kentucky Lake. And he had a mixed tape of songs that he loved, and he'd play them while we were on the boat. And so these songs remind us of going out on the boat, with the scent of muddy water in our noses, the sun and spray on our skins, and Daddy smiling and having a good time.

There weren't a lot of smiling good times in my house when Daddy was home.

Dad was an alcoholic, and was an abusive one like his father and grandfather before him. It wasn't a good environment, and for years I've wondered why Mom didn't just divorce him and let us all move on with our lives.

Carry on my wayward son/There'll be peace when you are done/Lay your weary head to rest/Don't you cry no more
I hope this gave my sisters hope; I know it helped me. "There'll be peace when you are done" is just such a restful message to me. You know? Struggle on, because one day it will be over and you can rest. Don't worry. Everything will be alright.

More than I hope it gave my sisters hope, I hope it helped my dad. My parents are still married--they toughed it out, even when I hoped they'd just throw in the towel. And I'm proud that my parents have stuck it out for over 30 years.

I'm angry at my parents for doing a lot of things wrong when I was a child.
But I don't resent my dad for taking us out on the boat, playing these songs until the swimming and the music put us to sleep, listening over and over until this song soothes me more than almost anything else in the world. I don't blame my dad for teaching me to love Nintendo games, or classic/Southern rock, or how to swing a baseball bat. I don't resent my mother for agreeing to buy the boat. And I love Daddy for this song, and the rest of the "boat songs".

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

No!
Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
The center lights around your vanity
But surely heaven waits for you
Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry (don't you cry no more)

Five For Fighting - "If God Made You"

I first encountered this song on the soundtrack to "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" which I took my sister to go see for her birthday. I like Five for Fighting; I love their song "Superman," and this song just makes me happy to listen to.

Something inside says there's something better than this
Something inside me has always said that somewhere, there's something better than what I have, who I am. And I never found that until I got to high school, that something better.

Once I got to high school, I had the opportunity to join the Speech Team. And if you don't know what the Speech Team is, then you're a deprived and depraved individual (whereas if you participated in Speech, you're just depraved). We would wake up at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning, get dressed in competition outfits (business formal wear), drive to Bethlehem, and then drive to the tournament, where we'd either perform (for the Interpers) or give a speech (for the Oratorical events--Original Oratory, Declamation, Radio Broadcasting, Impromptu Speaking, and Extemporaneous Speaking). I was a Speaker--Impromptu and Extemp. And while I did Speech, I was safe. You can't mess with one member of the Team without at least one other member jumping to their defense. For me, the person most likely to defend me (and spend time with me, and be my best friend) was Jacynthia, better known as "Jay".

I had known her before high school; she and my older sister were good friends in grade school. When we re- met in high school, the two of us bonded over a shared love of the same books, a similar sense of humor and irony, and a connection we felt from the very beginning. She's my sister of the soul; the one I'd choose, over and over.

"Lean on Me" is her song for me; "If God Made You" is my song for Jay. She's the one who has helped make life bearable, when I wanted nothing else but to leave. And I hope I can make her life good as well, because she's mia sorella and I really do love her better than anyone else in the world. I chose UK on the strength of her being here; not because of the English program or the nearness to one of my sisters--I could have chosen WKU and had the same thing. I came to UK because the only person who convinces me that there's a loving God out there somewhere attends this school.

If God made you he's in love with me
Even though Jay doesn't fully believe me when I tell her that her being here makes everything else worth more, it's still true. She's my best friend, mia sorella, and the dearest person in the world to me. In short, if God made her, then He's in love with me.

Hey Kid...
Your time has come to change
Though I need you more than I've needed anyone in any way tonight
Hey Kid...
I know it won't be long
The Captain's calling...come to see you back where we belong

Something inside me is breaking
Something inside says there's somewhere better than this...
Sunset sailing on April skies
Bloodshot fire clouds in her eyes
I can't say what I might believe
But if God made you he's in love with me

Hey Kid...
Do wishes count at all
Can you give me a sign...give me anything I won't tell a soul you told
Hey Kid...
Will you hold me when I sleep
Will you find me when the tide decides that I got to leave

Something inside me is breaking
Something inside says there's somewhere better than this...

Sunset sailing on April skies
Bloodshot fire clouds in her eyes
I can't say what I might believe
But if God made you he's in love with me

Sunset sailing on April skies
Bloodshot fire clouds in your eyes
I can't say what I might believe
But if God made you he's in love with me

Something inside me is breaking
Something inside says there's somewhere better than this my love

Sunset sailing on April skies
Bloodshot fire clouds in her eyes
I can't say what I might believe
But if God made you he's in love with me

Sunset sailing on April skies
Bloodshot fire clouds in your eyes
I can't say what I might believe
But if God made you... he's in love with me...