Matchbox 20 - "Push"

I've talked about Bridgette a lot on this blog; now I think it's time to talk about Shannon.
Shannon is... well, it's hard to really describe what Shannon is and was to me, because the story goes back to when I was about 12 or 13 years old, scared and confused and desperate for attention. And Shannon was 11 or 12, desperate for attention and for someone to love her, someone she could be more powerful than, I guess. And for whatever reason, she chose me.
I'm not sure I why I got the honor. I didn't know then, I still don't know now.

When I first came into contact with her (it's hard to say "when I first met her," because we've never met in person; she's from California, goes to Bryn Mawr in Pennsylvania, and I'm born, raised, and educated in Kentucky), it was through an online text-based role-playing group on the website Neopets.com. We role-played in Anne McCaffrey's world of Pern, as dragonriders and Holders and Crafters, and when I Impressed a gold dragonet, she decided that she needed to know me. I was shy in real life (online too, for that matter), and I was pretty excited that this girl who'd been around longer than I had, who wrote pretty well, wanted to get to know me. But I also didn't want her to know me too well, so I crafted some lies about myself and my family, and when she asked the relevant questions, I spun the required lies, and didn't feel bad about it until about two years in, when I finally came clean. (This was awkward, and involved a 3am email that was longer than most of my Songbook entries combined.)

Eventually, Shannon came to be one of my best friends, online or off.

And eventually, I came to realize that Shannon was no kind of friend at all.

The way I describe Shannon now, it's mingled with remembered fondness, irritation, exasperation, and--depending on my mood and the person I'm speaking with--rage. Because Shannon is truly the first and only person I've ever met in my entire life who suffers from both an inferiority and a superiority complex simultaneously. We drifted apart my junior year, due to my lack of time on the internet, her then-stepmother's bitchiness, my mental health issues, and her involvement in school. There were outside factors that meant that we couldn't be bosom buddies anymore. And when I wasn't there to always reassure her that she was good, and intelligent, and shit flowers and unicorns out of her ass, Shannon decided that I hated her, that I was trying to take her power from her (at this point, she was the leader of another online roleplaying group), trying to steal her friends, was avoiding her... basically, she was the Angelic Innocent Victim and I was the Devil's Own Bitch. And then, when there were people who were gossiping about me behind my back, insinuating things and trying to one-up each other in pettiness (because the group was cliquey to the extreme, and somehow, for the first and last time in my life, I'd ended up in the Inner Circle of the ruling clique), Shannon sided with them.

I'd never been so betrayed in my life. Because I'm glossing over a lot of things, a lot of hurts, and it's hard to describe this now without it seeming like the most childish thing in the world to be upset about in the first place, let alone three years after the fact. (I'll grant you that the latter is pretty childish; I'm an adult, I should be over this.) But what it came down to was, when I needed Shannon to defend me, to at least tell them not to say that shit behind my back, not only did she not defend me, she joined in.

To this day, she won't admit that she was at all in the wrong. I think that bothers me more than anything else, that she refuses to accept even the tiniest ounce of blame for the whole ordeal.

Anyway, this song reminds me of Shannon, the Bitch Queen of Valihi. The bitterness, the emotional content and maturity, everything about this song reminds me of what Shannon and I turned out to be.

You can see the video for "Push" here




She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's
Gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well

This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you
Around
You don't owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good

[chorus]

I wanna push you around, well I will, I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
Well I will

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is
Gonna hurt ya
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
Cuz it's a little bit dirty well

Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you
You don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all

[chorus]

Oh but don't bowl me over
Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so
Crazy, crazy
Don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby

[chorus]