All American Rejects - "Dirty Little Secret"

What originally attracted me to this song was its video--I was channel surfing one day before I left for college and stumbled across a top-twenty countdown. The opening notes are meant to catch your attention, but since I had the television on "mute" at the time, I was attracted by the quick sequence of pictures at the opening of the video. The premise behind the video was to showcase various secrets--"I want to go blind so that I won't have to see them together" is the first dirty little secret that you read. Some are serious, some are lighthearted, a few ("I only love two of my children", for example) are heartwrenching.

What I really love about this song is the cajoling tone of the lyrics; "Let me know that I've done wrong/When I've known this all along". The lyrics are actually kind of sleazy; they conjure images of being ashamed of your relationship ("I'll keep you my dirty little secret/Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret") and wanting to hide people from public view. But there are so many people who hide everything about themselves, and really are ashamed of themselves and the people they know that I just can't stop listening to the song, trying to figure them out.

I went to high school with a out-and-proud gay guy. And even though I didn't like him personally, I still respected him (at least for being brave enough to be openly gay at a Catholic school in small-town central Kentucky). But every guy that he ever dated could have been Tyson Ritter (lead vocalist of All American Rejects) singing this song to him. The man had excellent gay-dar; he could literally pick them out of a crowd. What he lacked, however (and what was really a bit more necessary to his peace of mind) was "out of the closet" sensors. He would fall for these guys, and then let them treat him shabbily and hide him from their family, friends, and everyone who mattered. Even though he was out of the closet, he kept dating guys who were too ashamed of themselves or of him, and he let them sweep him under a rug and back into the closet. My classmate was so afraid of being unloved that he'd accept any lie they fed him, just to have that scrap of physical affection they'd show him in private.

Really, this story probably doesn't apply to anyone else reading this blog; it's just the main reason why this song is personally appealing to me. But the essential truth behind my sharing that story is scarily prevalent: people will accept any number of small (or not so small) slights, hurts, humiliations, and even emotional deaths, just to maintain the illusion that someone out there loves them, wants them, needs them as much as they need to be loved/wanted/needed. As long as the illusion's intact at the end of the day, people will choose scraps from an emotional banquet, scraps that tell them in private that they're worth everything and in public that they're worth less (not necessarily worthless, though that is occasionally the case), rather than accept simpler and more genuine sentiments. (And if this blog is a bit heavy on metaphoric language, well, I did warn you that I was an English major with a focus in creative writing.)

There's just something about this song, with its cajoling words and mocking tone, that makes me understand how a person could choose illusion over truth; after all, once an illusion is over, you can comfort yourself, if you're so inclined, with the knowledge that whatever ended the illusion, it was never real in the first place (and thus no real fault of your own once it inevitably collapses around you like a house of cards). Once something true and genuine is over, you're forced to confront the idea that maybe you did something that killed the best thing you ever had, and it's as if your home has burned down around you, and you're the only survivor who's left with too many memories.

You can be a dirty little secret, or you can be left with too many regrets.

Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret

Who has to know
When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret

Who has to know
The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie)
And now I try to lie
It's eating me apart
Trace this life out

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret)

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)

My dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Dirty little secret

Who has to know
Who has to know

Third Eye Blind - "Jumper"

I was in the fifth grade when this song came out on the radio, and unlike the rest of the pop music from that era, the radio DJs managed not to overplay it, so that seven years later, I can still listen to this song and not want to drive a spork through my eardrums.
At the time of its release, when listening to the song on the radio, I could empathize with the narrator. And hearing it today takes me back to a frightened eleven-year-old version of myself, forced to grow up way too fast. The pleading and desperation in the first part of this song hits me like a punch to the gut every single time; it's easy to pretend that I am the narrator, begging a friend to not take that last desperate step. At the time, it wasn't pretend. It was my best friend, and I had no idea what to do to help her not feel as if dying were the only way to escape her problems.
Listening to the song, losing myself in the lyrics and the melody, if I could just find the right words I could make everything the way it was before this darkness swallowed up the spirit of my friend, and I could regain my childhood.
That's when I started writing in journals, trying to find the words to set my world back on course.
I don't actually know anything about music, or theory, or anything like that. I took piano for two years, and then I stopped going to lessons. I don't have a lot of deep things to say about the artist's message, or style, or any idea about what type of influences Third Eye Blind claims. I just have a love of music that speaks to me, a lot of memories, and now, a blog about music.
On with the ruminations.
Everyone has secrets that they aren't proud of, a past that was painful just as often as it was beautiful. But your past makes you who you are; ugliness makes you strong in a way that joy and light can't. In desperation, you discover an endurance and persistence that you never knew existed--once you've realized that you've got absolutely nothing to lose, anything seems possible. Including facing down demons and putting your past back where it belongs: in the past, where it can't hurt you anymore, however harsh it might have been.

I wish you would step back
From that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand,
I would understand
The angry boy a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight
You're way too loud
You're the flash of light on a burial shroud
I know something's wrong
Well everyone I know has got a reason
To say put the past away
I wish you would step back
From that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand,
I would understand
Well he's on the table and he's gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they're doing here
And your friends have left you
You've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I, I want you to know
Everyone's got to face down the demons
Maybe today
Y$ou could put the past away
I wish you would step back from
That ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand,
I would understand
I would understand,
I would understand
I would understand,
I would understand
Can you put the past away