Papa Roach - "Last Resort"

I wish I could say that this song was chosen for the blog for purely unmotivated reasons. But if I said that, I'd be lying through my teeth. I didn't think of this song originally; I think it replaced the '80's angsty rock ballad "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight" from the Cutting Crew. But I've shuffled the Songlist a few times since its inception, so I might be wrong. Point is, I didn't think of this song originally.

But after I found the music video on Yahoo! Music, I had to put it in.
The first hundred times I listened to this song as a teenager, I didn't pay too much attention to the words; they sounded angry, and that was all I really wanted. Ages eleven to fifteen weren't exactly nice happy times for yours truly. By the time I was sixteen or seventeen, I was just angry. Angry at myself, mostly--my rage against the world had already been expended (hate loses its efficiency when the people you hate don't notice).

It's somewhat ironic, I suppose, that I never paid attention to the lyrics--that's usually the main thing I listen to, and why I don't like a lot of pop rock. Because, scary as the thought is to contemplate, there are a lot of parallels between my life and what I've seen, felt, and done, and what's sung.

1)Losing my sight, losing my mind
Losing sight of reality? Check. Feeling like I've gone crazy? Check.

2)Suffocation, No breathing
Suffocation was my chosen method to end my life as a teenager--didn't want to use a gun, too easy for a stomach to be pumped so I didn't want to use pills, slit wrists are messy and I didn't know the proper way to cut so that I would actually die (which was the point of the entire exercise, after all). So suffocation it was.

3)This is my last resort
Suicide and depression/anxiety attacks/bipolar are never exactly anyone's first resorts, are they?

4)Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Yeah. The last time I hated myself with any real degree of passion was after I cut. For two hours or so, it helped with the pain. And then the guilt, shame, and self-loathing moved in, and I haven't been the same since. But at the time... at the time, all I wanted was "to bleed just to know" I was "alive" (as Goo Goo Dolls states in "Iris"). I wanted to hurt, I wanted to damage myself, and I didn't care how it happened, so long as it happened. If I bled in the endeavor, so much the better.

5)Would it be wrong, Would it be right If I took my life tonight
Suicidally depressed, dilemma of do or don't, hurt my family or suffer myself. Enough said.

6)Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
I needed to be fine more than I needed somebody to lie to me, but maybe if someone had bothered to tell me enough that I could actually believe them it might have changed something crucial.

7)I never realized I was spread too thin Till it was too late And I was empty within
I really had no idea that I was so close to breaking until I had an emotional breakdown in 5th period during the third quarter of my junior year of high school. Less than a week later, I'd dabbled in cutting and self-mutilation. That was... the worst time of my life. Without question, the worst and ugliest time to live in my head was March 2004.

8)Downward spiral where do I begin
I get the feeling that I overwhelm people a lot--and I go to people who are trained to deal with these issues on a regular basis. There's just so much... ugliness... to go over, that I have to gloss over parts of it in order to get most of it out.

9)No love for myself And no love for another
I was a scary kid in junior high, because I hated myself so much (but lacked the combination of courage and cowardliness to actually do something about it) that I turned all my loathing and rage against the rest of the world. I frequently threatened my classmates with tortures I'd devised in my head when I couldn't sleep for dread and destructiveness flooding my system.

10)Searching to find a love up on a higher level Finding nothing but questions and devils
Life didn't get much easier when I figured out that I was talking to God, but no one really seemed to be listening. So I experimented with pagan religions--more gods, more chances to find somebody who might actually pay attention when I prayed. I've actually found one that works for me, which is soothing. But for a time, I was pretty much an atheist.

11)Nothing’s alright Nothing is fine I’m running and I’m crying I can’t go on living this way
Running from my problems, crying myself to sleep. Pretty much standard procedure from the fifth grade until freshman year. I couldn't go on living like that--I'd have succeeded in suicide one of those days, and in the back of my mind, I probably didn't want that to happen.

Just the fact that I've got eleven things that I can personally relate to in my life is a little scary. And I mean "a little scary" in the same way that I mean that the Atlantic Ocean is a little damp, a hurricane's a little messy, and Hell's a little warm.

So yeah. This is definitely going to the psychologist's with me. I'm much better at writing than I am at talking, and I figure a psychologist who's trying to treat me ought to know some of this stuff; probably more than an innocent bystander.

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort
Cut my life into pieces
I’ve reached my last resort

Suffocation
No breathing
Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding
Would it be wrong
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I’m contemplating suicide

'Cause I’m losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine

I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late
And I was empty within
Hungry
Feeding on chaos
And living in sin
Downward spiral where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself
And no love for another
Searching to find a love up on a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils

'Cause I’m losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me in fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Nothing’s alright
Nothing is fine
I’m running and I’m crying
I’m crying
I’m crying
I’m crying
I’m crying

I can’t go on living this way

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Would it be wrong
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I’m contemplating suicide

'Cause I’m losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Nothing’s alright
Nothing is fine
I’m running and I’m crying

I can’t go on living this way
Can’t go on
Living this way
Nothing’s alright